| something amazing. |
[May. 4th, 2009|10:01 pm] |
Note: a lot of this will sound retardedly insane, especially to those of you who aren't spiritual or religious (*cough*katya*cough*) and before this happened to me I would have agreed. I have always been very skeptical of people who say this sort of nonsense and was never really interested in experiencing any of it myself. But honestly I feel as though I have fundamentally changed and I'd like to tell some people about it :) I feel amazing and here is what happened.
Today during meditation class we were meditating. Once before we were doing body meditation and I started feeling like I was about to cry but I resisted it because I didn't want to cry when everyone else was around me and they'd know and I was afraid they'd judge me. Well today while meditating I started getting really short of breath and almost hyperventilating, and then I started crying. I was in a classroom full of other meditating people so I was trying to keep quiet but I wanted to allow myself to cry. So I was silently sobbing and shaking and crying. Not feeling sad, or anything, just sort of like.... releasing, and allowing myself to release. I couldn't keep it in and I was afraid I was interrupting other people's meditating so I went outside the classroom and allowed myself to feel it and let it out. I was sitting on the floor in this laundry room sobbing and crying and allowing it to happen and then suddenly I had what I can only describe as a mental orgasm. I was coming up to this crest, I was crying ... and then suddenly I went over the edge and I started laughing. Just laughing, and crying at the same time. I didn't care if I looked like a crazy person. I couldn't stop even if I'd wanted to which I didn't. I was shaking and sobbing and laughing and I felt amazing. I was literally crying with happiness. I had an awakening. This girl came out to see if I was ok and found me just crying and laughing and I told her how I was feeling .... Which is this:
I felt like everything was as it is. I was entirely in the present moment. My "self," my "ego" was silenced in the back of my mind and there was another conciousness that I was participating in, and it was the REAL conciousness. Things came to me as I spoke without me knowing where they had come from or what they meant. I felt like I just KNEW things that I'd never understood or been aware of before. My ego (the self I have always been, that "inner voice" that is constantly monologuing) was listening to myself talk like "what the fuck are you talking about" but I was feeling something inexplicable. Logically, there was still that voice in the back of my mind like "what are you talking about right now, what is this" but it was so quiet and I had no problem ignoring it, it was just irrelevant. I felt like I was part of everything and everyone, and everything was ok as is. I didn't need anything or anyone to complete me because I was already complete and I wasn't alone because everyone is connected to each other. I felt totally without desires or needs or wants, I was going over the things I've struggled with in the past (needing other people's validation and love and compliments, needing to be needed, etc) and none of them were important at all to me, they just didn't matter, I didn't need anything. I was realizing everyone is part of everything. It sounds so cliche but I was just feeling it and I just knew it, it's true. I glimpsed "unity conciousness" and for 20 minutes I couldn't stop laughing with the most joy and happiness I have ever felt before in my life. I didn't care who heard or if anyone thought I was insane. I didn't care about anything, I just WAS, I just EXISTED, and had no wants or desires or fears or insecurities. I felt like I was disconnected from the person I always have been - as though she was still there, deep down, but this was something new and greater, like a me that had always existed but that I hadn't been fully aware of. And I didn't want anything to change, I wasn't concerned with the future or the past, I was just totally living in the present moment, in NOW. I could even feel it physically, my hands were all tingly and sort of foggy feeling, like how you feel sometimes when (again, to use the same somewhat inappropriate metaphor) you have a really intense, lasting orgasm and you get all tingly and numb, well I felt that. I was just allowing everything to happen and existing as I was and it was wonderful. Everything I had read about mysticism and enlightenment suddenly made sense to me, and I realized it was all true, which was crazy because I'd always thought it was mostly bullshit and I'd NEVER wanted to find enlightenment or reach unity consciousness before. But I realized that's what I'd done, I'd seen it and I was feeling it. I even had some of the effects that I'd read about in class that I thought were silly, like they said sometimes you might experience a kind of psychic gift but you wouldn't be like, excited about it or concerned with it, you'd just have it, well I sort of felt like that. I sat outside laughing and crying and talking to this girl (she was crying too, she was amazed and happy b/c all of these things I was saying were just SO FUCKING OUT THERE, both of our minds were BLOWN and it was so fucking great). It was wonderful. Then I had to go back into my class....
When I went back into class and saw all of these people who didn't know what I was feeling, I started feeling like I was different than them and I didn't want to be. I knew that we were all equal and the same and I was just seeing something they weren't yet, but I felt like they might think I was crazy and we wouldn't be able to connect and talk the same as before. I felt different and I started not to like it anymore. I started wanting to go back to who I was before, who I always have been. I started thinking things like what the fuck do I do now? How can I accomplish the things I've spent my whole life trying to accomplish if I think they don't really matter as much as I did? Have I lost myself? Have I lost touch with myself? What do I do with this new feeling and awareness? Will I still be able to make relationships with people who don't know what I'm experiencing? And I started RESISTING the feeling I was having. I had been so happy with it before, I felt like everything was just right and perfect in the world, but I started trying to pull myself back, back down to earth, back into my mind and my body and my ego. I started pulling out of it.
After class I sat and talked to my meditation teacher about it. I told him I felt scared and wasn't sure I wanted to feel "enlightened" and be a part of this other, greater consciousness. He said it was extremely common for people to have glimpses like this and then be pulled back into their ego by their mind because their mind is so connected to their ego that they don't want to let go of it. He said enlightenment is when you reach that point and it STAYS, and it's called an awakening when you see it but then get pulled back into your ego. He said he's had it several times. I said I didn't know which I wanted ... to stay me as I always have been, or to be the Other Me who was part of something larger and felt all that stuff I had felt like that I was complete and whole and part of everything. I felt like it was slipping away from me and I started crying because I didn't want it to go away really, even though when I was feeling it I'd started feeling like I did want to go back because I was scared of things changing. But my teacher said that the thing to remember is that it never actually goes away, it's just always there and sometimes you are so wrapped up in and connected to your ego that you don't notice it. He says often people will have multiple awakenings and then be pulled back into their ego several times, but each time their ego diminishes and dissolves and you get more and more of the awareness to stay. So I started thinking that I didn't need to cry about it going away because it wasn't really going away, I was just resisting it and looking away from it, but it was always there in the first place and it was still going to be there, it was outside of time so it couldn't like go away and then come back. My teacher said to just allow (THAT'S THE KEY: just ALLOW) it to slip away or come back. I started feeling it again (like I said, it was both mental AND physical ... a tingly, fluffy feeling) when I was thinking about that. I realized it doesn't matter if it slips away or if I'm feeling it 100% like I was, because it's always there. My "self" is just illusory (it sounds cliche! I know! but really!) and I don't need to fight it or do anything to regain that feeling because it's always there, I'm just resisting, but the only way to get into that mindset again is to not resist, but you can't try to do that, it just happens. You just have to allow whatever happens to happen and then it'll happen again, but the thing to remember is that it doesn't matter if it happens again or not. So I just have to be content with feeling it or not feeling it.
He said a lot of times people will get "spiritually addicted" and they'll start wanting that feeling back so bad that they'll never reach it again because you can't get to it by wanting it. So I can't sit around feeling like I've lost something just because I've slipped somewhat back into my ego. I have to remember that feeling and understand that it's still there, I'm just hiding from it and resisting it because I'm so attached to my ego. But it's not gone, it's still there. It's so hard to explain.
I feel different for sure. I'm still ME, but I'm not as much "me" as I was before. I'm more connected with the REAL me ... the me that's connected to everyone and everything and isn't even "me" at all, just something bigger and greater and complete and in the present moment. She's still there, along with the "me" that my ego insists I am. I might not be in touch with that totally at the moment but it's still there and I might slip back into it again and I might not but I have to be okay either way.... I definetly feel different though. I feel less alone, I care less about what happens or if people judge me. I feel removed from negativity somehow. I feel love for everyone in a very strong way. I feel less selfish or needy.
wow. I can't even explain this it's just such a life changing thing. I saw IT. I saw enlightenment. I glimpsed nirvana. I was enlightened for a whole 30 minutes or so and it was beautiful. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever felt. I was just laughing and crying and didn't care who judged me or who thought I was insane or what because I was just EXISTING, just being, and that was all I needed to be. Afterwards when I was "coming down" I guess I started feeling conflicted because I'm wasn't sure if I'm ready to slip into that consciousness 100% and live like that forever, and I don't know how attached I am to my ego. But I guess I just have to wait and see what happens. Keep meditating, keep reading books on mysticism and whatnot and living in the now and allowing things to happen. And I love the way I feel now. Even though I'm not completely in it like before, part of me has definetly awakened somehow and I feel better and more complete than I ever have in my life. It's not like I'm any different as a person or anything. I'm just healthier or something.
The craziest thing for me, with all my skepticism, is that everything the mystics and buddhists and everyone say about enlightenment is all TRUE. And I thoguht it was such a crock of shit. "Unity Conciousness .... we're all connected ... self is an illusion." I thought it was so crazy, I wanted no part of it, I liked who I was just fine and I wanted to stick with her. But they were RIGHT. Enlightenment, unity consciousness, all of that... is REAL. There really is a greater conciousness, and my ego really is an illusion. I'm amazed. But it's true. I saw it, I felt it, I loved it, I'm still feeling it somewhat and I can't wait to see what the future is going to hold for me spiritually. |
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